(I read this letter on The Dan Potacke Show on Sept. 6th, I thought you all might enjoy reading it!)

Dear the United States of America:

I like to help my friends out when they are going through a bad breakup, after all, I’ve been dumped more times than I can count so I should have some good coping tips. Right now, the United States of America, you are the friend who needs a shoulder to cry on as you are going through a tough break-up with Iraq. Dick Cheney said it wouldn’t last nine months but you and Iraq stuck it out in a close relationship for seven years. I know that it must have been tough to move all of your combat troops out of Iraq but you’ve got to admit, this break-up was way overdue.

First of all, it’s not like this is a total break-up, United States of America. You still have 5 permanent military bases there, so you guys are still nations w/ benefits. You never know, you guys could even get back together someday, you swore you were done with Germany after World War I and we both know how that turned out.

It’s not like you and Iraq were a great match anyway, you guys were fighting all the time! Now, let’s not play the blame game, I don’t want to talk about who illegally invaded who over faulty intelligence, or whose internal security forces looked the other way towards sectarian violence, or who abused whose troops in military prisons. Just face it, you guys weren’t a great match for permanent occupation. It’s not like what you had with Guam, you were never going to take that next step in the relationship and move on to permanent protectorate status.

You need to remember that you’ve gotten over bad break-ups in the past, America. Remember when things were super weird between you and Great Britain after the Revolutionary War, they burned down your capitol in the War of 1812 and you stole their place as the world’s primary manufacturer of steel. Now that’s all in the past and you and Great Britain are best friends, like Jerry and his ex-girlfriend Elaine on the classic sitcom Seinfeld. France is the Kramer in that scenario, the goofy friend who is also really racist.

America, you weren’t even totally dedicated to Iraq. I mean, you’ve been messing around with Afghanistan the entire time you’ve been with Iraq. How are you supposed to have a successful nation-building relationship if you are going warring all over the planet? And seriously, the United States of America, you need to look into breaking up with Afghanistan too. Afghanistan is the black widow, she’s torn down a bunch of players that thought they could hook up with her. Alexander the Great’s Greece, the Soviet Union, and many other nation-states have been taken down by Afghanistan’s curves. And by curves, I mean jagged mountaintops that make conventional warfare nearly impossible.

This isn’t the first time you’ve been in a bad relationship you needed to get out of. I still don’t know why you got involved with Vietnam. Don’t give me that Gulf of Tonkin stuff, I think you were just having a bit of an Asian ‘thing’ after Japan and Korea.

It just doesn’t make sense for you to stick with Afghanistan when you are getting all kinds of signals from other countries. Come on, you’ve got to admit that there is some real tension with you and North Korea. Why would they be starting up a nuclear program if they didn’t want to get something started with you? Or take a look at Iran, Death to America is just a code word for playing hard to get. Though, it would be awkward getting with Iran while your ex Iraq is sitting right across the border.

On the other hand, maybe you should be alone for awhile, America. You’ve been outspending your means just to live the lifestyle of being with two countries at once. You have maxed out all your credit! You are broke, you can’t afford to get with any country right now. And clean yourself up America, have you looked at a mirror lately? Do you even know what you look like below the Mason-Dixon line? It’s not pretty.

Then, in a little while, you can get into a rebound military exercise like Grenada and Panama back in the 80’s. You don’t even remember those, do you? Aw, America, you player you!