Dear the United States of America:

I like to help my friends out when they are going through a bad breakup, after all, I’ve been dumped more times than I can count so I should have some good coping tips. Right now, the United States of America, you are the friend who needs a shoulder to cry on as you are going through a tough break-up with Iraq. Dick Cheney said it wouldn’t last nine months but you and Iraq stuck it out in a close relationship for seven years. I know that it must have been tough to move all of your combat troops out of Iraq but you’ve got to admit, this break-up was way overdue.

First of all, it’s not like this is a total break-up, United States of America. You still have 5 permanent military bases there, so you guys are still nations w/ benefits. You never know, you guys could even get back together someday, you swore you were done with Germany after World War I and we both know how that turned out.

It’s not like you and Iraq were a great match anyway, you guys were fighting all the time! Now, let’s not play the blame game, I don’t want to talk about who illegally invaded who over faulty intelligence, or whose internal security forces looked the other way towards sectarian violence, or who abused whose troops in military prisons. Just face it, you guys weren’t a great match for permanent occupation. It’s not like what you had with Guam, you were never going to take that next step in the relationship and move on to permanent protectorate status.

You need to remember that you’ve gotten over bad break-ups in the past, America. Remember when things were super weird between you and Great Britain after the Revolutionary War, they burned down your capitol in the War of 1812 and you stole their place as the world’s primary manufacturer of steel. Now that’s all in the past and you and Great Britain are best friends, like Jerry and his ex-girlfriend Elaine on the classic sitcom Seinfeld. France is the Kramer in that scenario, the goofy friend who is also really racist.

America, you weren’t even totally dedicated to Iraq. I mean, you’ve been messing around with Afghanistan the entire time you’ve been with Iraq. How are you supposed to have a successful nation-building relationship if you are going warring all over the planet? And seriously, the United States of America, you need to look into breaking up with Afghanistan too. Afghanistan is the black widow, she’s torn down a bunch of players that thought they could hook up with her. Alexander the Great’s Greece, the Soviet Union, and many other nation-states have been taken down by Afghanistan’s curves. And by curves, I mean jagged mountaintops that make conventional warfare nearly impossible.

This isn’t the first time you’ve been in a bad relationship you needed to get out of. I still don’t know why you got involved with Vietnam. Don’t give me that Gulf of Tonkin stuff, I think you were just having a bit of an Asian ‘thing’ after Japan and Korea.

It just doesn’t make sense for you to stick with Afghanistan when you are getting all kinds of signals from other countries. Come on, you’ve got to admit that there is some real tension with you and North Korea. Why would they be starting up a nuclear program if they didn’t want to get something started with you? Or take a look at Iran, Death to America is just a code word for playing hard to get. Though, it would be awkward getting with Iran while your ex Iraq is sitting right across the border.

On the other hand, maybe you should be alone for awhile, America. You’ve been outspending your means just to live the lifestyle of being with two countries at once. You have maxed out all your credit! You are broke, you can’t afford to get with any country right now. And clean yourself up America, have you looked at a mirror lately? Do you even know what you look like below the Mason-Dixon line? It’s not pretty.

Then, in a little while, you can get into a rebound military exercise like Grenada and Panama back in the 80’s. You don’t even remember those, do you? Aw, America, you player you!

Our guests will include Rick Stemm & Christian Neuhaus. They wrote a new play called "You've Ruined A Perfectly Good Mystery," which Mercury Players Theatre is running from Sept 9-25. We'll talk about the writing proce...ss and I'll ask them why no theatre company has produced my play POTACKE: The Rise of Dan Potacke- The Potacke Cycle: Vol. 1.

We'll also have Jack Craver, also known as the Sconz. He writes about Wisco politics on thedailypage.com and we'll chat about the Governor's race, the Senate race and the potential power shifts in the state legislature. Doesn't that sound exciting? If it doesn't sound exciting, I'll make sure to throw in a poop joke or two.

I'll see you there on Labor Day! Don't worry, the only labor you have to do is to laugh! And possibly work, not that many people get off Labor Day anymore.

We've got Jason Stephens stopping by! You might recognize him as one half of Jason and Nicole from Q106's morning show. Or you might recognize him as a member of local improv comedy group: Monkey Business Improv. Or you might know him from his many amazing celebrity voices in Blame Society ...Productions Bric-A-Brac Theatre series.

You know how there are a lot of breweries and brewpubs in Wisconsin, ever wanted to go to them all? And then writ...e a book about it? TOO LATE. Kevin Revolinski already wrote said book, "The Wisconsin Beer Guide." He's recently come out with a new edition exploring all the new breweries that have opened since the book first came out.

Next, we've got Jeff Glazer of Madison Beer Review (madisonbeerreview.com), a blog where he and friends review a variety of beers. If you want to develop a taste for good Wisco beer, MBR is an amazing place to start! As part of his interview, Jeff Glazer will lead the audience in a free beer tasting. And the beer chosen will be something good. FREE BEER for coming to Potacke!

We've also got comedian Matt Lind. I've seen him drink wine at several bars so he doesn't fit in with the theme. But he's funny!

Having time off to recharge creative batteries means more time to dedicate to writing quality jokes and guffaws. We even have a chance to rehearse two of the bits! I think this will be one of the finest shows we've ever put on.

And our guests will be awesome, too. For you see, most talk shows are content to give you a maximum of one Matt as a guest. But that's not good enough for The Dan Potacke Show, we are bringing you two Matts, that's over double the Matt value! We'll have jokes by comedian Matt Sloan, best known for making funny videos and great improv, he rocked the Potacke stage with his stand-up back in November and now he's got all new material to share with us! And I'll sit down for an interview with Caustic's Matt Fanale as he talks about his scary music and trying to build up music scenes!

As always, it starts at 6:30 at the Frequency and there is NO COVER!!!! You get in for zero dollars, though I will hit you up for donations, but you'll probably ignore me on that... most people do. Sigh.

Joining me this time will be performance artist Nicole Gruter. Sadly, she's moving away from Madison soon, this will be a chance for Dan to sit down and talk with her about her experiences in Madison and across the country. She's also having an impressive art Sale-A-Thon at the Project Lodge on June 18th-19th, we'll probably talk about that too.

Plus, we'll have Louie and Jimmy from the Bastard Den radio program. I assume it's a support group for people whose parents were not married when they were born. Plus, I'm going to be a guest on their show this Sunday on the 13th.

I'll also have a comedian, one of em. Anybody want to tell jokes before the show? Preferably jokes involving observations of daily life and how it's weird in some way.

I'm opening the night around 7 pm but then you should stay for the rest of the night as you can see performances from great acts like: Pistol Pete, Orphan Bloom, Sexy Ester & the Pretty Mama Sisters, and Sunspot.

Cover is only $5 for the whole show and from 7-8 pm... you can get FREE tap Summit Hefe Weizen. That's right, during my show the whole audience will be drinking free beer, this will be a disaster... hopefully a fun one.

Saturday, May 22nd - 8 PM - Majestic Theatre. Paul F Tompkins w/ Alan Talaga and Sean Moore.

Tired of booking shows around the country, acclaimed comedian Paul F Tompkins has decided to let his fans book his shows instead. After 300 fans joined a Facebook group asking Paul to come to Toronto, Tompkins booked a show there and called it one of his all-time favorite experiences. Now Paul has challenged other cities to get 300 fans together to demand a show. Madison is a city with a great comedy tradition as well as a place that loves a challenge, so Wisconsinites quickly joined formed their Tompkins Facebook group, hit the magic 300 number, and now Paul F Tompkins is coming to the Majestic!

Local comics Alan Talaga and Sean Moore will each perform short sets before Tompkins tears down the house at Majestic.

Tickets are $18 in advance $20 day of show. Tickets can be purchased online at majesticmadison.com, the Majestic box-office, or at the Majestic ticketing locations: Willy Street Co-Op and Context clothing.This show is ALL AGES.

Tickets are going quick. Buy yours now to make sure you can get in! https://www.etix.com/ticket/servlet/onlineSale?action=selectPerformance&cobrand=majesticmadison&performance_id=1222260

Below, a transcendant bit by Mr. Tompkins, courtesy of YouTube.

Monday, May 24th - 6:30 PM - The Frequency - The Dan Potacke Show with journalist Kristin Czubkowski and comedian Stefan Davis.

Now, my occasional associate Alan Talaga is sponsoring and putting on Paul F Tompkins show here in Madison on May 22nd. Now he's not the brightest bulb in the world, but the dumbest thing he could try to do would be to go straight from that Tompkins show to writing and producing a Potacke show less than 48 hours later. It's a good thing we are two entirely different people.

While Alan is putting on that other show, I'll be getting ready to interview journalist Kristin Czubkowski from The Capitol Times. We will discuss the challenges and opportunities presented by new media, the ongoing Edgewater debate that won't die, and her work on a food blog.

Comedian Stefan Davis is also sure to please, he hosts a monthly stand-up show at the Argus that is quickly becoming one of the hottest comedy shows in town.

As always with my Monday Potacke Shows, there is NO COVER but you must be 21+ to attend!

Thursday, May 27th - 7:30 pm - The Project Lodge - Mary Mack's Delayed Comedy CD Release Show w/ Dan Potacke and Tim Harmston.

Folk humorist Mary Mack spends half her time convincing her Minnesotan mother it’s okay for her daughter to be a comedian and the other half touring the country in her sweet, 400 dollar Dodge Neon--affectionately referred to as “Street Heat.”

Mack started her career in Nashville, and now splits her time between Los Angeles and Minneapolis, where she recorded her live album "Either You Wake Up or you Don't" at her home club Acme Comedy Company.

Opening for Mary Mack will be Dan Potacke who will give a 15-minute multimedia presentation of hilarity. If you work Monday nights this is the perfect chance to see what you've been missing from The Dan Potacke Show.

The show starts at 7:30pm, $10/$8 w/ Student ID.

Here's a short set from the hilarious Ms. Mack.